


And Fire Danced Across the Sky

by 8NightLight8



Series: My Demons and Your Lullaby [8]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Confrontations, Coping Mechanisms, Emotional Baggage, Father-Son Relationship, Guilt, Hyperventilation, Irondad, Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Precious Peter Parker, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Young Peter Parker, spiderson, throwing up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-22 07:04:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16593155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8NightLight8/pseuds/8NightLight8
Summary: “No.” Peter’s voice snapped like a whip trough the quiet of the room and caused the man to flinch. “No psychologists. I need to deal with this. Alone.”“But…” Tony was lost for words for a second. “But this is killing you, Peter! You can’t just expect me to sit here and watch while you…” He swallowed. “You can’t do this,” he whispered. “You can’t do this to me.”(The last part of the My Demons and Your Lullaby series)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the last part of the My Demons and Your Lullaby series. In order to understand what is going on you must read the previous parts… So off you go ;)
> 
> I am sorry for the long wait guys! Hopefully this super long part makes up for it. Enjoy! :D

_“We agree that the greatest issue when it comes to people with powers is safety, but it should be granted to all, not just to ordinary citizens. Taking these children from their parents and forcing them into a special army’s unit is discussing and inhumane. It violates the human rights act on more points than we can count and is a threat to the piece we all have fought so hard to keep. We demand the Amendment 21108 to the Sokovian Accords to be withdrawn immediately.”_

_“The solution to the unease the Americans might feel towards people with powers is simple and can bring comfort to all. The government should establish help centres with medical specialists, psychologists and other personnel, who would help these people and their families through their transition. When it comes to newly established powers, the most important thing for an individual to learn is control, so the Centres should provide safe spaces and already experienced mentors. By making sure that every power holder is non-threatening and free, our society can gain strength and guarantee safety for all.”_

_“We ask you to stand with us. Making sure that the government protects the liberties of its people is the duty of its citizens. And we must show them that we care tonight. That we will never tolerate what they did. That they had betrayed the people they work for and that they must right their wrongs.”_

 “This message was broadcast on every television channel and social media site less than an hour ago. The full video features the reunited Avengers team speaking out about the government’s hidden agenda, which was revealed yesterday by Tony Stark as he himself confesses in the clip. But how will this affect Stark and his company? Our correspondent Alma Horton tried to get some answers at the Stark Tower.”

“Good morning Lauren. As you can see behind me the Stark Tower is inoperative today, closed under a thorough government investigation. The only people allowed in besides the officers are the workers undergoing questionings. We tried to get a hold of Secretary Ross, but his office quickly informed us that he is busy and that there will be no official statements until the investigation is complete. It is not hard to assume, however, that even though Tony Stark is often referred to as a national hero he is now facing the chargers of being the country’s traitor.”

“Well he seemed to have left the country and joined the Rouge Avengers already, but what could this mean for the biggest technological company on the planet?”

“According to its C.E.O. Pepper Potts, who we manged to talk to briefly earlier this morning, the company’s operations should, after today, be unaffected. Since Stark and Potts have years ago signed a document transferring the ownership of the Stark Industries to her if something was to happen to him, physically, mentally or legally wise, the workers and the customers should not be affected in any way. Miss Potts did stress however that her newly established position is temporary, as her role is only to look after the company until Tony Stark’s adopted son, Peter Parker, becomes an adult. The ownership will return to Stark’s official successor as soon as he turns 21. Back to you, Lauren.”   

“Thank you Alma. Peter Parker has been a mystery to the media for quite some time now, after the news about his adoption shook the world six years ago. Not a lot of the boy’s milestones were shared with the public by his father over the years, other than his young engineering championship wins and occasional posts on Instagram, but a few days after his tenth birthday we finally got a glimpse of his troubled past. In an emotional part of the previously mentioned video Tony Stark disclosed that his child has powers and told the story of how they first met after Peter, who had just gained his special abilities, killed his aunt and official guardian May Parker in a tragic accident. He described the boy as distraught and in both extreme physical and mental pain in that moment and went on to reveal how he learned about the government’s secret amendment to the Sokovian accords. Apparently Secretary of State Thaddeus Ross contacted him almost immediately after he brought the boy home and claimed that Peter now belonged to the state. Stark said Ross’s ability to find a young orphan was alarming and that he managed to connect the dots almost immediately. After he threatened to reveal their secret if they took the boy away, the government presented him with a deal, which was the reason he hadn’t spoken out earlier. The copy of that document is also featured in the video and it clearly states that Stark’s adopted son will be taken from him immediately and put into the facility with the other “talented children” if his father broke his promise. Another reason Tony Stark listed for staying quiet was the emotional trauma which the boy would experience if his secret was ever revealed. Trough Peter Parker’s story Tony Stark tried to show how low the government has fallen, as well as enlighten the people of how crucial it is for incredible individuals and their families, especially children, to have a place to turn to if they notice that something isn’t right with them or that their powers are getting too strong for them to handle. In his words the Centres the Avengers are proposing have the power to save lives and provide safety for all citizens. Could this really be the perfect solution? Joining us in the studio now are Dr. Marianne Turner, a well-known sociologist and Secretary of Homeland security Jonathan Hughes.”

“Good morning.”

“Morning.”

“Thank you both for coming. I want to start with you, Ms. Turner. In a tweet yesterday you stated that the laws which are currently in place were created only to intimidate other countries and have no effect on the safety of American citizens. Do you still have the same opinion after watching The Avengers’ video?”

“Absolutely. I would even go as far as saying that the American amendment to the Sokovian Accords is actually a threat.”

“In what way?”

“Well, it violates the liberties of young people with powers, first of all, but it also ensures that fatalities by their hands will continue to occur. It works as a protection mechanism. It is based on fear, you see. The Government made sure that incredible individuals were seen as a threat all around the globe and therefore successfully managed to get a hundred and seventeen countries to agree on the Accords, stating the whole time that every person with special abilities, not just the Avengers team, who actually did cause a lot of damage and deaths, is dangerous if they are not controlled. This, of course, made every power holder hesitant to register and made the parents of children who had just gotten their new abilities afraid to seek help. Consequently accidents occurred. Now, after the reveal, however, no sane person or that person’s family will ever want to alert medical, psychological or governmental personnel. They won’s seek help at all. Due to this more people will die and the government will only use those numbers to convince the voters that projects like the one that was uncovered yesterday are needed.”

“And what do you think about the Avengers’ idea?”

“I think it is a step in the right direction. Breaking the taboo and providing help could change everything… But the problem now is - will anyone actually come to these Centres even if the government does open them? I wouldn’t trust them with my child if they did it now. I don’t think anyone would. They would need a lot of promotion and would probably only really flourish after a few years.”

“Secretary Jonathan Hughes, earlier this morning you said that Peter Parker’s story is exactly why the amendment was put in place. Could you elaborate on that statement?”

“Of course. And I will also reflect a bit upon the Dr.’s view if you won’t mind. You see her whole thesis and the theses of so many people are based on the idea that people with powers are good, that there aren’t any individuals amongst them who would want to disuse their abilities, who would want to use them for destruction. But that is a lie. We have seen it with our own eyes. Years ago Loki attacked New York with his mind control and his alien army and then just five years ago the Winter Soldier, Captain America’s best friend, decided to explode a UN meeting room in Vienna. The reason why we need a team of extraordinary individuals is mainly to protect ourselves from people like them. After the Avengers went rouge, we knew that we had to start with young people. With individuals who didn’t have mental best friends or old grudges. We needed young people in order to start fresh. Now, if I come back to your question, another reason for choosing young people with powers was the fact that they were and are dangerous to the people around them. They can’t control their powers at all. After a few incidents happened we knew that we had to remove them from society. ”

“But these children can learn how to control their powers, isn’t that right?”

“Yes, yes they can.”

“So there is no need to take them away from their parents, to remove them from society forever. I mean if all you wanted was an army you could have made a deal with the Avengers, meet them halfway or gave out a few job offers. As for the, in your opinion, dangerous kids, you could have just gave them the help they needed with the approval of their families. According to the documents Stark revealed you clearly have enough resources, why wouldn’t you just do that?”

“Because most of these children are murderers. There is no way to tell if what they did was truly accidental. And even if there was - they are still killers. You wouldn’t want a bunch of powerful and crazy psychos running around your neighbourhood now, would you?”

***

_Killers_

_Killers_

_Killers_

The word continued to echo through Peter’s head even though the television on the other side of the building had been turned off minutes ago. He killed aunt May. He _killed_ her. And the whole world knew.

He threw up again, the bile stinging his throat as it came up and causing more tears to roll down his cheeks. He wasn’t sure where he was. His palms felt around his cold, smooth and damp surroundings urgently, but found nothing to hold on to. A flock of tiny black dots danced in front of his eyes, continued to blind him and forced him into a worse stage of panic.

May’s body lay in front of him again, lifeless and bloody. _He was a killer. He was a killer. He was a killer._

He jumped when a hand caught his palm gently, wrapping it in warmth. The action felt out of place somehow, alien even and maybe that was exactly why it caused the boy’s raging thoughts to stop screaming. His ears were ringing, he noticed now and his breaths were far too shallow, far too quick. He was hyperventilating.

“You will be alright, Pete. I got you. I promise you, I’ve got you.” His dad’s voice sounded distant, barely hearable due to his pounding heartbeat and yet he knew Tony was there with him. He could feel his palm, rough, but soft at the edges, could feel the blood pumping through his veins. He was here. He was here even though Peter locked himself in the bathroom, even though he had screamed awful, awful things. He was still here, easing his killer son trough another episode.

Peter’s stomach turned again, but bile was all that came up this time.

“Focus on my voice.” His father’s voice came through again. “Come on, kiddo. We can do this, just breathe with me.”

The boy wasn’t sure if he wanted to anymore.

He was a killer. That’s how everyone saw him now. He might even be a murderer, but he wasn’t just Peter anymore. Not to the Avengers, not to the Wakandans, not to the rest of the world. He was a topic for politicians to gain voters with, he was the future owner of the Stark Industries and he was a monster.


	2. Chapter 2

It was almost three am and Tony was desperate. The bed was warm beside him, with Peter pressed against his side, his eyes heavy with sleep as shivers continued to run through him, reminding the dad of the boy’s last panic attack. Rest. Attack. Comfort. Recovery. Rest. Attack. Comfort. Recovery. This is what their lives came to now. All Tony could feel was anxiety, apprehension, sadness and guilt. He wondered if Peter could feel anything other than fear at this point. Wondered if he was making things better or worse. He really wasn’t sure at this point.

He had read countless books about child psychology in the years that he has shared with Peter, made sure to be educated about every obstacle the boy could face, made sure that he knew how to react in almost every situation… But he had no idea what to do now. His words and reassuring touches weren’t enough to calm the boy down anymore and his persuasiveness fell short, when it was time to breakfast, lunch or dinner. It has been three days now and Peter was barely more than a lifeless dummy. His nightmares haunted him constantly, on average he only managed to keep down two pieces of toast a day, he barely spoke and Tony didn’t know what to do anymore, didn’t know how to act, what to say. He was practically useless.

He hasn’t realised he has sat up and started crying until his son’s palm came to rest softly on the side of his head. Shame rushed through him, but Peter’s eyes stayed wide and empty, even when he threaded through his dad’s hair comfortingly and broke down all of the man’s already crumbling barriers. He pulled the boy closer, when a sob wrecked trough him and Peter hugged him back just as tight, his breath tickling the back of Tony’s neck in a soothing lullaby.

“I am sorry, kiddo,” he managed to get out in between sharp sobs. “I am so sorry.” And he was. He should be the strong one, the one who gave the support, not the one who needed to receive it. God, he was the dad and his own suffering son had to put him back together. He was so messed up. It wasn’t right. It _wasn’t right_. And yet the boy held him nonetheless.

“I just… I don’t know what to do. I am sorry. You need help and I… I am not good enough. I don’t _know_ how to help you.” Peter went rigid in his arms for a moment, but then pulled back a bit so that he could see his dad’s face while continuing to deal with his hair cautiously. He was pale, far too pale, glowing like a ghost in the half-darkness, betrayed only by his ever analysing eyes. “And I know you might not want me to, but you need to let _someone_ into that wonderful head of yours,” Tony continued, swallowing back tears. “I can talk to T’Challa…”

“No.” Peter’s voice snapped like a whip trough the quiet of the room and caused the man to flinch. “No psychologists. I need to deal with this. Alone.”

“But…” Tony was lost for words for a second.

“I said no.”

“But this is killing you, Peter! You can’t just expect me to sit here and watch while you…” He swallowed. “You can’t do this,” he whispered. “You can’t do this to me.”

Peter looked down immediately. “I am sorry.”

“No you are not.” The boy’s eyes settled on his face again, wide and fearful. “You are not sorry,” the man went on, now shaking with another emotion entirely. “You want this. You think you deserve it. And you don’t give a damn about anyone else. It’s okay if you hurt me, huh? Because that makes you hurt even worse and you want to feel something? Well newsflash: I won’t allow that anymore. We are getting up at nine tomorrow. You will finish your breakfast, you will shower and you will brush your teeth and then you will go out for two hours. Explore, work, do whatever. But you will be in by one for lunch. And I will be here if you will need me, but you are not gonna hide anymore. You are gonna face this and you are gonna stick to the rules. And if you don’t or if this doesn’t work, you are meeting a psychiatrist of Friday. I don’t care if I will have to drag you there in the Ironman suit. I don’t care if you’ll just stare at their face the whole time and say nothing. You _will_ go.”

Tony purposely overlooked Peter’s panicked expression, ignored his tear-filled eyes. He pulled out of the boy’s strong hold, stood up and headed towards the bathroom.

“I am not playing this game anymore.”

***

_“Hundreds of thousands of protesters occupied the Washington monument park today, determined to put a stop to the Sokovian Accords amendment, which pulled children with powers out of their parents’ embraces and into the US military. The documents released by the Avengers today revealed that the youngest of these children is only seven years old as well as held proof that the government got a hold of some of the young incredible individuals after staging home invasions and killing their families in cold blood. The public opinion poll created on account of our broadcast company showed that by almost ninety-six percent of asked citizens support today’s protests, with more than thirty percent stating that they will participate in debates or protest taking place in their own states. Although the crowd in front of his residency only grows with time, the President has stayed silent. The White house hasn’t mentioned the protests with one world and POTUS’s twitter hasn’t been used for almost a week.”_

Tony was seated on the leather couch, with his legs, crossed at the ankles, resting on a coffee table made from a single piece of wood. It was almost eleven am, but the room was empty, quiet, grieving the temporary loss of one of its residents with style. The bed was made, the curtains were drawn to the side and the windows were open, warming the man with the bright African sunbeams while a tempting smell spread from the kitchen area. If Tony was ever sure that he had made the right decision it was in that moment. Peter has been different, better. The colour returned to his cheeks and although he spent most of his time in resting, Tony could almost see the wheels in his brains turning. He was fighting battles now, not losing them on purpose. The nightmares were still bad, but the panic attacks were far less frequent. The man’s reckless plan has worked.

It was a desperate gamble, but _it worked_. And yesterday evening Tony realised that he was never happier to be asked to put on Star wars, even if the boy hadn’t paid much attention to what was actually happening on screen.

“Hey dad?” The boy had asked just after Luke slayed the giant Jetty. “Can you do bad things but still be a good person?”

“I think you so, kiddo.” The man had replied, not taken aback by the sudden change of topic. This was Peter’s speciality after all and in the last few days he had been using it a lot. “Everyone who does good is a good person, even if they did something bad in the past.”

Peter nodded, still in deep thought, but Tony felt him relax into his side after a moment.

“I think so too.”

***

He should have known that something was wrong as soon as he woke up with a pit in his stomach. It was Saturday night and the room was dark, eerie, still too new, too unfamiliar. The glow in the dark alarm clock had its handles showing quarter past four and Tony groaned quietly. It was far too early. He turned around then; narrowing his eyes to try and find his sleeping son’s silhouette, but froze instantly. His breath got stuck in his throat. His heartbeat fastened. There was no bump on the other side of the bed. No curls resting on a creased pillow. The place on his right was empty. Peter was gone.

He turned on the night light quicker than he could even think and had his eyes scan the rest of the small apartment in panic. The bathroom door was closed, but the half expected yellow glow wasn’t there to tame the man’s racing heart. Another single size bad in the corner was still unused, covered neatly with a blanket and a bunch of decorative pillows. Tony didn’t waste another second after that. He started running.

His thoughts screamed horrible, horrible things at him, presenting him with thousands and thousands of terrible situations and he didn’t even feel the pain in his joints as he rushed forward. He went to the Wakandan labs first, but they were empty. Went to the gym, but only found more darkness. He scanned trough the Avengers’ dining room, then started busting through the doors of his ex-teammates and throwing them out of bed. They snarled at him, shouted, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care because _Peter was missing_. He kicked down locked doors, broke a bunch of wooden handles… And found his son sitting on the floor with a murderer.


	3. Chapter 3

He was next to Peter in a heartbeat, grabbed his wrist and hid him behind his back as soon as he stood up, sheltering him from the silver-armed man with his body. His armour’s glove rose from his watch and quickly enveloped his shaking palm. James Barnes, the man who killed his parents stared at him with interest, still sitting on the dark parquet, unmoving. The man who ruined his life in so many ways, the man who took everything from him once already and has now returned for more. The monster who was _alone with his son_ just a few seconds ago. Tony turned on the blaster and aimed it at the Winter Soldier’s head.

He had about ten seconds before the Avengers realized what was going on, but he only needed one. He could end this now. Revenge his parents’ death. Keep his son safe forever… And yet the moments stretched. The super soldier continued to hold his gaze and Peter still stood stiff behind him. Tony’s hand shook. The blaster buzzed quietly. _He could do this. He could do this. He could do this_. But not like that. Not right then. Not with his kid watching…

His old team members poured into the room, their eyes wide with fear and shock, but he barely spared them a glance. They didn’t tell him their friend was here. They betrayed his trust again, endangered Peter… And there was no going back this time.

He focused back on the murderer again and made his weapon glow brighter, hating how understanding the other man’s eyes were and how his own hand couldn’t stop shaking. His voice trembled when he spoke the next words, but the anger and conviction behind them scared even the man himself.

“Stay away from my son,” he growled forcefully, coldly. “I won’t hesitate next time.”

***

Adrenalin was slowly leaving him as he marched through the hall, holding Peter’s hand in his tightly as if the boy could disappear at any moment. His heart was still pumping blood fast, but after just a few minutes of tension he was now faced with almost undetectable signs of exhaustion. Locking himself and the boy in their room to just roll around in bed forever sounded like a tremendous idea now, honestly. But they had some pressing issues to discuss and the clock was ticking, bringing Tony’s blood pressure higher and higher with every step. What the hell was his kid doing?! He knew he should never be in a room with a stranger alone. Knew that he shouldn’t trust so quickly.

Peter could be dead now. Gone. Gone forever, because of his nativity, because of his still unsuspecting heart. They had talked about this. A lot. He knew about all the dangers, all the do’ s and don’t ‘s and yet he still had to remind him every time that he had to bring Happy with him if he wanted to go to the lower and less protected floors of the Stark tower, had to make sure to go through the no talking to strangers rules before the start of every new school year. He didn’t think that Peter had ever forgotten them, not really, but it seemed like after all of the years mainly spent in the highly secured Stark Industries’ labs and in the company of adults the boy felt secure with, the possibility of something bad happening to him, the possibility of someone who seemed nice actually wanting to hurt him never truly registered.

Tony worried about that in the past, of course he did, but a part of him also found comfort in the fact that the boy felt safe. That he had no reason to ever feel otherwise. It meant that he has done something right as a father. That he managed to erase every piece of his own father’s sick methods out of his predisposition. That he won.

And now his pride was what put his son in danger, his fear of the boy ever feeling scared or unsafe. His fear of him growing up even faster than he already had to… And yet he knew that he had to show the real world to him now. Tell him the truth. The whole truth. Because this should never have happened. It should never have come this close. Never.

Peter stopped suddenly just after they passed the entrance of the already familiar conference room, freed his hand of his father’s firm hold and refused to continue walking, sending Tony into an even deeper state of anxiety.

“You almost killed him,” he said, slowly, like he had just come to that realization. Like he wasn’t there when it happened. “I… I could see you debating it. You wanted to do it.”

“He killed a lot of people, kiddo” Tony said, hating they had to discuss this, hating that he had to apologise for wanting to do what was right because it looked scary. “He is dangerous.”

“He was helping me.” The boy responded immediately, his voice stronger now, defensive.

“He was manipulating you.”

“No, he wasn’t!” Peter shook his head stubbornly, ignoring the angry tears that were now running down his cheeks. “He told me everything!” He yelled, ignoring how Tony stopped dead on his track towards him. Surely he wouldn’t. He _wouldn’t_! But then who was he to judge the brains of an obviously mental murderer?

“They made him do it, dad,” the boy continued, ignoring the man’s distress. “He never wanted too. It wasn’t his fault…”

“I don’t care.” All Tony could manage to interrupt him now was a whisper. “I don’t care.” _He could have done something_ , his thoughts provided. _Could have fought harder, could have tried to escape, could have ended it if he felt that something was wrong, but he killed them._ _He_ killed _them._

“But you said…” Peter sounded confused now, scarred. “You said you can still be a good person if you…”

Tony lost it. “I was talking about you!” He shouted, his words echoing through the empty halls. “I was talking about you, not about some psychotic killer!”

The boy flinched and the man’s heart dropped at his terrified tear-filled eyes, but he stood behind what he said. And Peter needed to learn. He needed to know that for some there was no forgiveness, no good intentions. No good at all.

It took a while for the boy to look at him again, but when he did, Tony’s whole world shifted. There was no hesitance left in Peter’s eyes, no trace of doubt in his sentences. This was what he believed now. His philosophy. His truth.

“I am a killer too, dad.” He said, matter-of-factly, openly, without shame, without fear. “I killed someone I loved unintentionally, because I didn’t have enough control. I am just like him and you shouldn’t think of me differently just because you are my dad. I have always been like this. Ever since you met me. Ever since I was four. I know this now. The whole world made me see and they were right. I was afraid it would break me before, but James made me realize I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t be. Because you are a killed too, dad. And so are Steve and Sam and the others. You have all killed and not just the bad guys. There were accidents, collapsing buildings and burning hospitals. You caused them. All of you killed those people when you didn’t want to. Just like James killed your parents, just like I killed May. He was nice to me. He helped me see and he is my friend now. I know what he did hurt you and I know you are still angry and sad, but you can’t have double standers. Ether you hate all of us or you except that you belong amongst the hated too. You have to decide.” He paused, as if debating whether to continue at all, then uttered the last few words once he was already behind his frozen father’s back and on his way to the exit.

“I wouldn’t want to be the one forcing you to keep pretending.”

***

Tony sat at the deserted bar counter, accompanied only by his heavy eyelids and his racing thoughts. He couldn’t remember when the last time he slept was, couldn’t remember when he last felt the sun on his skin, but he did know that he last saw Peter about four hours ago. It was a horrifying experience, watching him eat his lunch without saying a word, watching him leave without saying goodbye, without knowing what he was thinking or where he was going. It was torture. And the boy was doing it on purpose. The tremble in Tony’s head worsened at the memory of waking up, only to find his son freaking out after a nightmare quietly, pressing his hands against his mouth to smother his sharp sobs and glancing at his dad’s king sized bed fearfully. He hadn’t realise he nearly spilled his drink until the jingling sound of the ice bumping against the expensive looking glass became annoyingly noisy.

Afghanistan, Ultron, the loss of his parents, knowing that he had sentenced nineteen kids to serve under Ross…. All of that was nothing compared to how he felt now. The worst thing was that he knew how the kid wanted him to fix it. He got his speech a few days earlier. He did. But he couldn’t do this. Physically wasn’t able too.

He tried telling himself that Peter will grow out of this philosophy, that it will fade in time; disappear like just another one of his son’s numerous coping mechanisms… And yet he was almost sure it wouldn’t. There was too much truth in it. Too much insight. The kid hit a nail on the head with this one. Tony got it, he understood. But there was one thing looking at all this logically and another trying to ignore to your wounded heart.  He wasn’t sure Peter was able to feel much at this point and the boy did always find comfort in incontestable rules, forces of gravity and numbers. They must have been the easiest route right now. He wondered who the kid will turn to to pick him up when he gets back to feeling the whole spectre.

In truth, he was happy that the boy was coping, even if he decided to set the bars his dad could never reach. Even if it the Winter Soldier poisoned his mind and made him hurt the person that he loved the most. But he couldn’t go on living like this. He couldn’t.

He tilted the glass, which was now sitting on the counter again, watching the scotch inside it undulate wishfully, but never letting his hand bring the spirit to his lips. He hasn’t fallen this low yet. He wasn’t his dad, he wasn’t going to break the promise he made to himself more than six years ago… Even though he sometimes wished he could have.

“The Tony I know would have downed that by now.”

The man flinched at the sound of Steve’s voice, but didn’t turn around to watch him cross the room and make his way to the barstools, avoiding the eyes and the words of the soldier with the enhanced hearing. Cap was the second to last person he wanted to talk to right now. The second to last person he wanted to talk to ever. And yet he couldn’t find the strength to tell him to leave.

“He would have,” he replied, allowing the ‘ _but I am not that person anymore’_ to resonate trough the following silence.

“Peter is in the lab,” the soldier continued and then smiled. “He managed to stun half of Wakanda’s scientists before break time.”

“Never doubted it.” The dad could feel Steve’s eyes burning into the side of his head, urging words to fall out of his mouth like a waterfall, but he managed to keep himself in check. “He is good with people. So much better than I am.”

Rodgers nodded, seemingly lost in thoughts for a few moments. “He hasn’t visited Bucky since you found out, you know?” He said then, causing Tony’s eyes to meet his for the first time as his head snapped to attention. “I asked him about it yesterday, but he said he wants to fix you first… I really don’t think he means any harm.”

Tony snorted. “It is not him I am worried about. I know why he is doing what he is doing. I get it. He is right. But I can’t give him what he wants. Not this time.”

“I could come with you, if it would help…”

“And almost smash my windpipe again? Yeah, that is certainly a great idea!” The man breathed heavily, barely being able to control the withering fire raging through his veins, even when he saw the guilt swirl across captains face. “You should have told me he was here, Steve. You should have told me!”

“I know.” The soldier’s voice was quiet, bereaved of all its usual strength.

“I trusted y’all with my kid goddamit!” Tony continued his rant, letting the pent up energy flow from his chest once and for all. “And you did it again. You did it again _with Peter_.”

“You wouldn’t have come on board otherwise. You would never bring him here. Never.”

“You don’t know that!”

“I do.” Steve shut him down in a heartbeat and Tony couldn’t really find anything to contradict him further. He was right, but that still didn’t justify his actions. He had made this mistake once before and it wasn’t like Cap at all to repeat it. “I wanted to help.” The soldier continued, his eyes focused on the still full glass in Tony’s hand. “It has been six years, Tony. I wanted to apologise to you in person, wanted the team to feel whole again, wanted to meet the child who put you back together. And Bucky has been doing better. So much better. He needed the chance to right some things too. He wanted to see you as soon as you came, wanted to talk to you, wanted to explain, but I didn’t let him. I knew you would freak out. Run even. No matter if we told you that you had no reason to worry. You wouldn’t stay.”

“No,” Tony replied. “No, I wouldn’t.”

“And your whole plan would fail.”

“I would never let that happen.”

“It would.”

“I would build a new one. Better one.”

“Yeah? Like what? Letting yourself get arrested for the pressure of the public to increase? Leaving Peter with Happy to run from country to country for years?”

The dad had no answer and Steve somehow knew that. He always knew.

“Just talk to him.” He said after a few long moments of silence. “Try.”

Tony shook his head. “It is not that easy.”

“He helped Peter, didn’t he?”

“And he _killed_ my mom!” That seemed to shut the Captain up for a while. “I don’t care whether he was controlled; it was his hands that did it. I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to be reminded of him and I definitely don’t want to talk to him. Nothing he could say to me could make anything better…”

“But Peter would talk to you again.” Steve jumped in, playing on the man’s heartstrings. “He said he doesn’t want much and he certainly wouldn’t want to force the two of you to talk all the time and be friend. He just wants you to start the conversation, start working on getting through this. He wants you to try to understand…”

“He wants me to stop pretending. I am not pretending. I am feeling and he isn’t able to grasp that right now.”

“That’s understandable, though.” The soldier shrugged sadly. 

“And depressing.” Tony said, rotating his glass again, before setting it on the other side of the counter, next to the sink. “Seeing everyone around him be just like him now is probably all he has ever dreamed of, but it is not true. There is no one like him out there, no one that even comes close.”

Steve smiled. “Than spending a few minutes with Bucky in order to get him back should be worth it.”


	4. Chapter 4

Hesitant knocks echoed loudly trough the empty hallways, startling the silence and scaring her off with their three perfectly timed repetitions. Tony’s heart was beating fast. His veins were filled with adrenalin and he had to prevent himself from jumping when he heard the first of the heavy footsteps hit the floorboards on the other side of the dark mahogany door. _He could do this_ , he kept telling himself. _He could do this…_ And yet his anxiety continued to raise, his thoughts continued to swirl in anger every time they connected something back to the night he was here with Peter. The wristwatch on his arm was blinking almost invisibly, counting his shallow breaths and keeping track of his pulse, ready to transform itself at any moment. He wished he could use it. Wished he could blast these doors down and walk into the room like a threat, but Peter didn’t want that. He wanted him to talk and so then man waited until the murderer granted him entrance. 

The Winter Soldier looked pale, tired. But his green eyes were still sharp, scanning him quickly before moving aside so that the man could come in. He looked nervous too, jitterish, like he didn’t really want to talk to him either and Tony wasn’t sure if he was glad or mad about that. His mind was jumping to the cold night in Siberia, to Steve punching off his helmet, to Winter-soldiers hands wrapped tightly around his mother’s neck… His heartbeat escalated even more. He felt lightheaded. He should run. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to be here…

His eyes wandered quickly through the room, trying his best to ignore the doors that have now closed behind him with a click. It was nice. Spacious, clean, but far too high up for his liking. It offered no escape, no comfort. Only confusion and fear. It’s walls were white, clear, but the man instantly noticed a paper laying neatly on the old-looking wooden desk. There was a drawing on it, coloured in to perfection, fallowing all of the pencil-set lines. There were two men on it and a boy standing right above Peter’s distinctive signature. The wave of anger rushed through Tony again. The men on the picture had their hands locked in a handshake. The one standing on the right had its left arm painted silver. The other had the boy right by his side. It was so characteristic of Peter to have done this. To put his idealised version of the events to come on paper and give it to an adult to display. But his drawings were only Tony’s guides once. Telling him what the kid wanted his birthday party or Halloween costume to look like. Telling him how he wanted them to act when being followed by the annoying photographers outside. They were the main sign of the boy’s anguish once too and white papers covered with red slipping from under Peter’s fingers when he was four like he was a printing house sometimes still managed to haunt the dad’s dreams. If the picture was here then what the killer and he were doing was important. It meant that Peter trusts the silver-hand wholeheartedly and it meant that he was still in danger.

“We should…. Sit?” James Barnes’ voice was harsh, raspy, far too unpleasant to belong to the man Tony’s son now cared for. The chair, which must have been created by to stand near the ancient looking desk, was now in the middle of the room, illuminated by bright yellow sunbeams and turned to face the bed. Tony wondered how long it has been standing there for. Days, hours, minutes? Not that it mattered, but he has obviously been expected.

“Sure.” Tony found the strength to reply without his voice bearing even a hint of a tremble. It has almost seemed like he was training for this for years now and all those meetings with Ross were just the training stage.

He kept his eyes focused on the man in front of him as the silence stretched, neither of them knowing where to start, what to say. Tony almost wished that Peter was here with him, breaking the tension with his childish ways, but then he would only be able to concern himself with him. Truth be told he was even more worried that the instant happiness the boy usually brought to the room with him wouldn’t get the chance to brighten up the room. That it was gone now. He hasn’t felt it in the last few days. Not even once.

“I am sorry,” Barnes’s unpleasant voice brought him from his thought and back to the room again. “About everything.”

Tony just shook his head scornfully, even if the soldier’s previous statement clearly did take some effort. “That doesn’t fix anything.”

“It is true, though. I knew your father. He was a good man.”

The dad scowled. “He was a raging alcoholic who cared more about his legacy than his own son.”

The Winter Soldier flinched, but still managed to continue. “I never wanted that to happen to him, to anyone, never.”

“So everyone tells me. But that doesn’t matter either. You killed them. You did it anyway.”

“And I should have done more to fight it. Should have found a way out, a way back to Steve and the others, but I didn’t remember them. I didn’t remember _myself_.”

“Well that’s unfortunate. You remember my kid though? Short, with curly hair, he might have visited a few days ago…”

The murderer lowered his head and opted to stare at his shoes. “I didn’t want him to continue coming. Not at first. I knew you would be angry, knew I could still be dangerous. I told him everything I did to scare him away, but he wouldn’t budge. Even if something was too much he would return for more the next day.”

“Great,” Tony snarled. “That makes it all so much better.”

“I thought it was for the best.”

“You thought your best option was to further traumatise a ten year old?!”

“I figured everything out on the day you arrived. I listened to the meeting from here and he was panicking… It wasn’t hard to put together the rest of the story. When he stumbled into the room later I knew that he needed help. I tried my best to offer it, without making him feel comfortable, figured it would be the last I would see of him. But he came back three days later. He wanted to know if he was like me. He wanted to know if he was a murderer. Wanted to know how I think, what I had thought about all those years, wanted to know if I was under hypnosis but still did everything on purpose.” James Barnes smirked a bit, like the whole thing was amusing. “I thought he would start freaking out when he realised our life stories and emotions could compare at some points, but he took it all in without a flinch. He told me he started googling everyone after that. Told me that he figured all of you were a bit like us too and he was right.”

Tony bowed his head in a small hesitant nod. “He rarely isn’t.”

The Winter Soldier smiled, “he is a smart kid.” It looked like he thought about his next words for a few seconds.  “You shouldn’t worry about him too much, Stark. He is on the right path now.”

“Which is what? Ignoring his parent?”

“Accepting what has happened. Accepting the name that was given to him. Grieving the ones he has lost. He wanted that for you too Stark, that’s why you are here.”

“Yeah I don’t think this is really working.” Tony managed, but his co-speaker just smiled again, this time even brighter.

“It will.”


	5. Chapter 5

Gentle breeze blew over Peter’s face, barely noticeable, but wonderful, refreshing. His head moved up and down slowly, in sync with his father’s long deep breaths. The blanket underneath them was thick, durable and yet it still managed to grant them comfort while the tall grass around them shone in the red and orange shades of the slowly setting sun.

He didn’t want to be here. Not really. But Tony has insisted on them leaving the room after he managed to calm himself down after the panic attack which still dictated the tempo of his beating heart. It has been fourteen days now. Fourteen days since the American government faltered under the pressure of the UN and its people’s protests, under the Avenger’s adverts and public debates. Their battle has been won, but there was nothing they could do about its effects on the still quite foggy future.

His peers have been unbound from their military position and were now all packed safely on an unknown location, only becoming free to rot in the depressingly long adoption queue. The boy still shivered every time he thought of how they must be feeling. How exposed, how used, how angry. He had to close his eyes sometimes and repeat in his head that at least they would find a family someday, but even after that he often felt like he never really fixed a thing.

The protests against the dropping of the infamous Sokovian Accords amendment, were still a common sight and, although far less numerous than the ones sparked by his dad’s confession, they were still scary. James told him that the rise of fear and hate was typical for any transition period, but even he couldn’t hide his uncertainty and his dad… His dad just looked hopeless. There was barely any trace of pride on his face when they watched the opening of the first Centre in New York yesterday. Barely any recognition when they announced that he will be trialled as a traitor if he ever returned home, but he still laughed after the boy dropped himself on the couch from the ceiling and forced into a _How to train your dragon_ marathon. 

Their nights were long due to their restless thoughts and they still both skipped lunchtime from time to time, but they had their moments. Their short, delicate moments of happiness and piece. Not unlike what the unplanned, crappy, gummy-worm picnic would be like if Peter wouldn’t continue to feel so anxious even when he was listening to his father’s heart and felt his occasional words rumble through his stomach.

A stone lay on his chest. Becoming heavier and heavier while he eyed the candy in his hand. He knew how to sculpture it now. Knew how to make it lighter and yet he wasn’t sure if he was actually able to do that until the sentence slipped from his mouth and escaped into the golden-lit field.

“This one was May’s favourite.” His voice was quiet, shaky and yet it somehow still managed to bring the world to a pause. The ever-changing colours of the sky above them stilled. His dad’s breath faltered. And then…

A hand brought a blue and red gummy-worm into his view, trembling slightly.

“This one was my mom’s.”

Peter swallowed, before nodding slowly. The pressure lessened. His father’s fingers found their way to his curls again. A goat bleated in the distance.

The world moved on.

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaaand we have come to the end of the series. Thank you so much for joining Peter, Tony, the others and I on this exciting, overwhelming and at times a bit chaotic journey. When I posted My Demons and My Lullaby in July I never thought that it would become something more than an extended one-shot; all I wanted at that point was prove to myself that I could finish a story. Now, a few months later, I have, thanks to your amazing support and to the ever-inspiring Marvel characters, finished my first ever ao3 series. For every encouraging comment and every kudos you guys left on this work I am eternally grateful. 
> 
> I really hope you liked this series and its ending; it was a joy to write. If you ever want to hear from me, discuss the plot of the series or you just need someone to fangirl over Irondad with you can find me on Tumblr – my URL is 8night-light8. :D 
> 
> Again, thank you for your support,
> 
> NightLight
> 
> P.S: I have an epilogue planned for this series as well. Hopefully I will it will appear on this site someday but if not… Well… At least it’s a lovely head cannon ;)


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